MELANCHOLY...

Melancholy is when
The things way past expiry date
Laugh,cry and yell,
and all the stuff to be done by the spate
still keeps taunting my fate..


Melancholy is when
those chimes of bells
their rings echoing still
eons after they were rung..


Melancholy is when
Having nothing upon which to ponder,
I do things which I no I shouldn't do,
making me go all somber..


Melancholy is when
I tend towards insanity,
thinking and rethinking
all my decisions considered finicky
and getting all panicky..


And whenever there's a lull,
when no strings left to pull,
and having Things-to-be-done list full,
Melancholy is what I feel...

And finally......tHe BrEaKiNg dAwN...

The story continues...the gal catches on with her life..and slowly but surely the dawn breaks..this is the story of how the dawn finally broke and what it felt to finally have the splash of blinding sunlight.......

After days of absolute darkness, the dawn finally breaks..and with it brings the first ray of sunshine I had witnessed in eons..with it spreads the warmth in my body, my body which was traumatized so much in the recent times that i carried with myself a constant feeling of dread and chill..finally the warmth was here...

I knew the rays were peeping in when my listless thoughts started getting more defined,when my meaningless drools started taking shape,when happinnes actually seeped in when i laughed,when it finally thrilled me to play,when i swayed with renewed vigour,not to forget my demons but just to feel the pulse of my life...and when i finally couldnt recognise him in the crowd anymore...

Yeah..when finally his face was not my sun,centre of my universe...when finally he was just another face in the crowd,when finally i noticed other faces and finally they meant more....

story of my life
searching for a right
but it keeps avoidin me
sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company......

The lines that were so true about my life till recently dont seem so right anymore..

Cause am still searching for a right but i dont find it avoiding me..i feel as if the dawn is finally guiding me..sorrow in my soul healed a long time ago to be replaced with contempt....and well even if wrong loves my company i know how to avoid..

And so here i finally am..at a point in my life, which means a lot now but might not even be worth it in the future...but still feeling good about scaling the distance i had i created with myself...finally getting back in touch with myself..

And the dawn finally broke and the sun in my life rose the day when I looked at him and felt.......nothing.Absolutely nothing,No feeling of contempt passed over me, no self loathing, no disgust and no discontent....I was at peace with everything..atlast...

SO here i am, bang on the track..and fellas..life was never so good..

And....my hope survived, my hope remains, my hope prevails.......

mUsInGs oF a bLeEdInG hEaRt..........

The story of a heart that just doesnt know where to stop,how to say NO..not to others but to itself....the story of a gal with a heart like this...a story post break up...a story pre-breaking dawn..

I know I'm not completely over him. He still crosses my mind several times a day, but with each one of those times, a feeling of contempt also passes through my heart. Maybe if this happens enough, my heart will become completely harden, and I'll get to the point where he doesn't affect me anymore.....

is that even possible..musings of my mind continue to enthrall me but with no definite conclusions..the trouble is thats all they ever are, musings...Nothing concrete, nothing decisive ..all that am ever able to do is speculate..The only decisive thing in this forlorn existence is my fascination with him, the one thing i can never have..

but, this small game "catch the prey" game between us is taking a new turn..like an obsessive hunter, am just not able to letting him go and escape unscathed..the game has been on long enuf for my prey to now stumble..i know am not trying hard enough in this game of chasing but yet i underestimated..not him but myself..even though am not trying, his hold on me and my fixation on him is stronger than ever..all i need to do is just close my eyes, and i can visualize how utterly devastating his smile actually is, alluring his eyes are and how totally submissive i am to the whims of my heart..chaining my heart doesnt work as i end up bleeding but freed..freed from my minds hold over my heart..freed for my hearts hold over him..am freed in a way i possibly shoudnt be...

Even as the contempt washes over me, my heart flutters and unfurls, leaving me feeling alive for the time being...alive till the feeling of shame and self loathing passes over me..shame for my utter lack of self control and loathing because of my fixation...

And yet, i now continue this game within me,between my mind and my heart..waiting to see who wins..hoping to come out unscathed when am already bruised..hoping am all in one piece when my mind is over matter..

hoping that hope remains...