mUsInGs oF a bLeEdInG hEaRt..........

The story of a heart that just doesnt know where to stop,how to say NO..not to others but to itself....the story of a gal with a heart like this...a story post break up...a story pre-breaking dawn..

I know I'm not completely over him. He still crosses my mind several times a day, but with each one of those times, a feeling of contempt also passes through my heart. Maybe if this happens enough, my heart will become completely harden, and I'll get to the point where he doesn't affect me anymore.....

is that even possible..musings of my mind continue to enthrall me but with no definite conclusions..the trouble is thats all they ever are, musings...Nothing concrete, nothing decisive ..all that am ever able to do is speculate..The only decisive thing in this forlorn existence is my fascination with him, the one thing i can never have..

but, this small game "catch the prey" game between us is taking a new turn..like an obsessive hunter, am just not able to letting him go and escape unscathed..the game has been on long enuf for my prey to now stumble..i know am not trying hard enough in this game of chasing but yet i underestimated..not him but myself..even though am not trying, his hold on me and my fixation on him is stronger than ever..all i need to do is just close my eyes, and i can visualize how utterly devastating his smile actually is, alluring his eyes are and how totally submissive i am to the whims of my heart..chaining my heart doesnt work as i end up bleeding but freed..freed from my minds hold over my heart..freed for my hearts hold over him..am freed in a way i possibly shoudnt be...

Even as the contempt washes over me, my heart flutters and unfurls, leaving me feeling alive for the time being...alive till the feeling of shame and self loathing passes over me..shame for my utter lack of self control and loathing because of my fixation...

And yet, i now continue this game within me,between my mind and my heart..waiting to see who wins..hoping to come out unscathed when am already bruised..hoping am all in one piece when my mind is over matter..

hoping that hope remains...